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View Full Version : Final Fantasy Versus XIII Fanfic- Storm Versus Skirt Girl


OmiVersusXIV
Mar 30 2008, 11:01 PM
This is just part 1 of my fanfic.It is about what happens during and after the

trailer between the "Prince" and "Skirt Girl".I hope you all enjoy it and please

dontput that much negative commnets.


P.S. Thanks Naunen for the "Prince's" clothing description couldnt have done this fic withoutyour help.


The silent utopia that was the dark city. The city streets were empty and in ruins.

Whoever was out there could just see the tall skyscraper like gates around the city

and the moon that was lit around the night sky. There were no cars,no people,no

animals,nothing.

But somewhere in that city, a beautiful blond haired woman was wondering around.

She wore a white top covering a black under shirt along with a three tiered bushy

skirt and black leather boots. She was walked slowly down a road to the castle

were her former lover Storm ruled his city from. Her skirt was airing by the wind,

which could be heard.

She stopped for a moment and looked behind her and saw him, Storm, the last heir

to the throne and protecter of the last Crystal. He wore a long leather jacket

tailored but wasnt tight to his build with fire like designs on his shoulders, his

sleeves of his jacket ended just past his biceps, the collar stood up to about his

mouth, his loose fitting pants were worn with his hems pushed up by his boots,

makling it look baggy, his leather shin length boots fit comfortably around his ankles

and appeared plain while the laces were tied around the boots starting with the

second row of grommets and weaving through the other grommets. He wore leather

gloves that loosely cover less than half his forearms, fastening around the wrists to

the back of them with a strap and buckle.

His crimson eyes and bluish silver hair glew from the moonlight glaring at him. His

right hand was beginning to wrap around the handle of his engine sword. Pulling it

from its off state he then walked a few steps towards her as he stood in a

defensive position. He began gripping his sword tighter and tighter,and feeling

began to feel an uncomfortable vibe from his former lover whose name he didnt

dare to speak.

"You know i cannot let you pass into castle gates,turn back now, or suffer the

wrath of its crystal's protecter." said Storm in a serious tone. His words were dark,

but it didnt scare her one bit, after saying his words he waited to hear or see what

she would do, being in a defense position it wouldve been hard for her to attack

him anyway. The girl slowly pulled her purple bladed rapier that materilized fromthe

air around her. She raised the rapier front of her face,as she turned herself to him.

She gazed at Storm, as he was her former lover.

"We finally meet again my beloved."

With no more words to say, She cast an orange symbol behind her and her eyes

began to glow a darkish purple as she looked fiercly at her former lover.The symbol

had some ancients markings, as she was concentrate to it. With her left hand

stretched, she pointed at Storm and a wave of fire was coming towards him.

TO BE CONTINUED......

Pulse
Mar 31 2008, 12:19 AM
The idea is ok. You're grammar is not. The sentence structure is terrible. But other than that, nice job. :)

EDIT : 'casted a orange symbol' should be... cast an orange symbol.

OmiVersusXIV
Mar 31 2008, 06:52 AM
The idea is ok. You're grammar is not. The sentence structure is terrible. But other than that, nice job. :)

EDIT : 'casted a orange symbol' should be... cast an orange symbol.

thanks I'll do better next time because this is my first fan-fic and all but thanks for the comments.

BUTTCHEEKIES, OOH
Mar 31 2008, 08:45 AM
^No offense or anything, but using the excuse "it's me first fanfic! :^D" for shitty grammar is moot and completely void. Grammar should be general knowledge.

Anyway yeah, it's okay. May I suggest you get yourself a beta.

Bun
Mar 31 2008, 09:01 AM
I'm up for a beta read if you want one. :) You definitely need some work on this. I agree with Buttcheecks. It's important to know the rules of grammar and spelling, the foundations, before constructing a story. So if you're interested, I'm here.

Naunen
Mar 31 2008, 12:43 PM
The idea is ok. You're grammar is not. The sentence structure is terrible. But other than that, nice job. :)

EDIT : 'casted a orange symbol' should be... cast an orange symbol.

----Hey, Pulse. "You're" and "your" are different. :|

Omi! Perhaps some structuring? I can't read it at all since it's all blocked up and I'm kind of a... sorta dyslexic person in that I prefer double-spacing. >.>;...

Also... "Storm"?! :'(

estella
Mar 31 2008, 12:52 PM
Your efforts are admirable, however the red seriously kills my eyes...I don't care if you use that color in your regular posts but applying them to a lengthly fanfic is ominous.

You know, the line "We finally meet again my beloved," gave me goosebumps :'(

Good job overall, don't give up.

OmiVersusXIV
Mar 31 2008, 06:05 PM
----Hey, Pulse. "You're" and "your" are different. :|

Omi! Perhaps some structuring? I can't read it at all since it's all blocked up and I'm kind of a... sorta dyslexic person in that I prefer double-spacing. >.>;...

Also... "Storm"?! :'(

alright i kinda fixed it up for you guys,hopefully you guys can read it.

Bun
Mar 31 2008, 07:13 PM
Let me say sorry right off the bat, because this isn't going to be pretty. D:

(Don't take it too personal, though)!

Okay, I just went through it and let me point out right off the bat: sentence fragments and grammar! You begin your story with two fragments, and to be honest, it's not even all that good of a hook. That's something you need to work on as well, reeling in your audience from the beginning. Right now it's rather blasé and uninspiring, and doesn't have any real flow.

Then you jump into 2 character descriptions which aren't even that great, so I feel more like I'm reading a manual than being given the tools to create an image of the characters in my mind (does that make any sense?)

Since it's so short, I can't really say much other than you need to work on your grammar, flow and description; even the dialogue feels very stiff.

Pulse
Mar 31 2008, 08:44 PM
----Hey, Pulse. "You're" and "your" are different. :|

I was trying to be sarcastic, because he does it several times within his story, lol. I was sure I put it in bold. Oh well.

Your right Naunen. Your right.

(Yes i know its you're im not dumb) LOL

Josh x

Flames Of Oblivion
Apr 11 2008, 12:49 AM
except for the grammer problems I like it ^^

OmiVersusXIV
Apr 11 2008, 12:56 AM
except for the grammer problems I like it ^^

thanks i normally do better on paper not computer.

Shurelia
Apr 20 2008, 04:06 AM
I like your story and the name is Storm too?Never mind I like if the protagonist's name is Storm:).
I wouldn't comment about your grammar, since I'm not good at it>_<.Anyway great job!

Gaia
Jul 23 2008, 01:41 AM
Hmm, I actually like the the idea of continuing from the trailer- even though I have not seen a trailer with the skirt-girl in it yet. But, I'm sure a lot of people have said before me, there are some grammar issues. I'm a computer person. I type all of my stories on my PC since my handwritting is atrocious but I guess typing isn't best for everyone. Did you type this on word? Its an alright start so far but I'm sure you can do things to improve it. ^_^

-Gaia