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View Full Version : THE VERSUS DUDE REMINDS ME OF THE MALE LEAD IN MY STORY!!


Élan
Mar 31 2008, 04:08 AM
When I first read about FFXIII Versus and saw the trailers, I freaked! The guy looks a bit like the way I imagined the male lead in my story would look like! My guy is a prince, too. But he’s actually the only heir to the throne. He’s suffering from amnesia and he’s a Drakonian, a different race who look like humans but they have “powers” and stuff. (His name is Xero, by the way!) Oh, and I have a cloaked bad guy, too!! (You know, the one from the scans!) I just thought I would post an excerpt from a chapter of my own story, though. Tell me what you think!

Unless you read the other chapters, the story might get REALLY confusing! Here’s a link:

http://dannecia.deviantart.com/gallery/#Discord-s-Harmony

By the way, I just happened to pick one of the sappier parts of my story! Don't think it's just romance! There's going to be PLENTY of butt-kicking!



My face was streaked with sweat when I finally woke up. The windows were clouded from moisture from the cold that was brewing outside. I tugged at the blanket, wrapping it tighter around me. That’s when I finally noticed it.
My body shook uncontrollably as I ran to Ennick’s room. His bed was neatly made, and the clock on the nightstand next to it was disconnected.
“He’s gone.” Zamino walked into the room, his face unreadable.
“He’s gone?”
“Yeah. He left you this.”
He handed me a note scribbled on a scrapped piece of paper.
I’m so sorry Dan, I had no other choice. Certain things were becoming unbearable to watch. I couldn’t take it. But I’m begging you, DON’T WORRY. I’m not sure where I’m gonna go, but I promise that I’ll come back. Once I get some things figured out, I’ll meet you in Dymencia. Tell Zamino to take care of you while I’m gone. And PLEASE remember… I loved you FIRST.
I wanted to crumple the paper up, but I didn’t. Instead, I folded it into a neat square and held it tightly in my hand.
“He’s stupid,” I said before marching into my room and locking the door.
I slid down the wall onto the floor. Why did Ennick have to do this? Why did he have to leave for a stupid reason like that? I knew exactly why he’d left. It was my fault. All his reactions lately were obvious clues, but I had acted too late. I guess Ennick was right. Xero was getting in the way.
Someone knocked on my door.
“Dannecia? Are you okay?” asked Xero.
I held in the tears that were drowning my lungs and picked myself up. The door opened, and there stood the culprit. But maybe it was the other way around. Maybe I was the culprit and he was the accomplice.
“I’m fine. Just a little shaken.”
“Why did he leave?”
“He had his reasons. I couldn’t have done anything to stop him.”
“So…”
“Just forget about him, okay? We’ve got more important things to do.”
Xero looked at me, surprised. I knew I was being a bit cold, but Ennick had no right to do that to us…and to me. He was going to get a beating when I saw him again.
“Well, then get ready,” Xero said. He stuck his head out the door, ignoring my gaze.
“Oh yeah…we’re going to see Enos.”
As I stood there, lost in my thoughts, Xero quickly shut the door behind him. He looked at me, breathing heavily. His hands cradled the edges of my face as he gave me a quick kiss.
“I’m sorry,” he said. “I couldn’t resist.”
The kiss was pleasant, but it made me feel gross. Now that I thought about it, I had kissed two different people yesterday. It felt like I’d created this toxic mixture of chemicals. It was probably what was making me feel sick.
“Is something wrong?” he asked me.
I shook my head no. He laughed. Then he smiled at me. The childlike smile.
“You’re adorable, you know?”
I thought he was adorable, too.

Naunen
Mar 31 2008, 12:52 PM
What the hell's up with the title? o_o How do we know that you haven't just created a character like him after Nomura first touched mechanical pencil to his concept? :shifty: We hardly know the Prince as is. >.>

Love the paragraph structure and the lively dialogue, by the way. =D

Élan
Apr 01 2008, 12:26 AM
What the hell's up with the title? o_o How do we know that you haven't just created a character like him after Nomura first touched mechanical pencil to his concept? :shifty: We hardly know the Prince as is. >.>

Love the paragraph structure and the lively dialogue, by the way. =D


You have a point, but I AM being honest. His character only REMINDS me of my own. I know the prince is pretty much a mystery, but the things we DO know about him are a bit similar to my character's. I'll probably see some major differences as more info is released about the prince. And about the title...if you're talking about my story's title, it's not exactly the "real" one. It's sort of a placeholder.

Oh! And thanks for the compliment! :D

Naunen
Apr 01 2008, 12:34 AM
You have a point, but I AM being honest. His character only REMINDS me of my own. I know the prince is pretty much a mystery, but the things we DO know about him are a bit similar to my character's. I'll probably see some major differences as more info is released about the prince. And about the title...if you're talking about my story's title, it's not exactly the "real" one. It's sort of a placeholder (it sounds corny, I KNOW).

Oh! And thanks for the compliment! :D

----Oh, I meant the thread title. No prob. It's hard to pinpoint exactly when Nomura started the designs anyway considering we've been knowing about FNC since 2006 or so.

Élan
Apr 01 2008, 12:59 AM
----Oh, I meant the thread title. No prob. It's hard to pinpoint exactly when Nomura started the designs anyway considering we've been knowing about FNC since 2006 or so.

The thread title? Oh! I guess it IS pretty weird! :P Well, I didn't really know much about FFXIII until like a year ago, so I'm even MORE clueless. Either way, I bet the characters in all three games will be incredible!

Pulse
Apr 01 2008, 01:17 AM
Your sentence structure is excellent, you could have gotten away with not using the red font, had it not annoyed the fuck out of me that someone else does it lol. And its become annoying. lol. Other than that welcome to the forum, keep posting your work, I like what I see.

Joshx

Élan
Apr 01 2008, 01:23 AM
Your sentence structure is excellent, you could have gotten away with not using the red font, had it not annoyed the fuck out of me that someone else does it lol. And its become annoying. lol. Other than that welcome to the forum, keep posting your work, I like what I see.

Joshx

Thank you! But would you prefer pink font, though? Or maybe orange? Maybe just white! ^_^

Pulse
Apr 01 2008, 01:36 AM
Its best to stick with just white haha.

SirBaron
Apr 03 2008, 11:14 AM
I like it. The setting with the advanced cities and undeveloped rural areas reminds me a little of my own story, actually. It's cool that you haven't done a Tolkien like most fresh authors do. Keep up the good work! :P

Edit: Btw, are you going to publish your work by any chance?

Élan
Apr 04 2008, 02:00 AM
I like it. The setting with the advanced cities and undeveloped rural areas reminds me a little of my own story, actually. It's cool that you haven't done a Tolkien like most fresh authors do. Keep up the good work! :P

Edit: Btw, are you going to publish your work by any chance?

Thanks! I haven't really thought about publishing, though. I probably won't finish writing it until I'm out of high school! I'll just wait and see...

Fantasygurl1227
May 04 2008, 01:53 PM
see the only thing about telling us that your character is a lot like the Prince in final fantasy versus XIII, when i read the chapter of your story (which was awesome by the way) I kept imagining Xero as the Prince in Versus, XD. It was really well written, and i like it :)

Élan
May 05 2008, 03:47 AM
see the only thing about telling us that your character is a lot like the Prince in final fantasy versus XIII, when i read the chapter of your story (which was awesome by the way) I kept imagining Xero as the Prince in Versus, XD. It was really well written, and i like it :)

Thank you! But I'm not so sure that they're similar anymore. The more I keep learing about the prince, the more differences I see. Xero is a bit lanky...and I don't really see that in the prince. I imagine Xero's hair much different, too. :nod:

IBeatSephiroth
May 05 2008, 04:24 AM
Dann, I have the same problem as you do. I've just finished a novel, and Lightning bears a striking resemblence to my heroine, Naela. Somewhat ironically, The Prince reminds me of my story's antagonist, Larcer. I came up with my characters far before I knew about Final Fantasy XIII, and I'm now in the midst of a sequel. Also, you have some talent there ^_^ Keep it up. I've been writing at a proffesional level for years, but you can't tell unless you read my material.